It's been a while since i emo and say what i think or how i feel but a lot has been happening that it's getting more and more overwhelming
(even the internet failed YET Again today when i blogged this halfway already and the internet went off, causing half my blog post to disappear into thin air)
it's too complicated to explain to those not involved... and too difficult to diagnose the root of the problem, what more dissect and get rid of the tumour once and for all, for those involved, for every opinion and judgement is different, everyone for his own, or for those unsure they just depend on which side of the fence they have been placed..
conflicts after conflicts after conflicts, no hard and fast rule, those who aren't bosses act like they are, those who are bosses act like they are not, and those in the middle (like myself) get stuck .. only to receive blackmails or treats or looks that felt like a blunt jagged dagger to your soul..
the innocent gets the blame, the inexperienced is at fault, any mistake becomes a crime punishable by That law.. the law of P.. which thus sentences a lifetime of shame and guilt.. and slowly but surely the shame becomes unbearable, the guilt becomes intolerable, any existing prior friendship or good relationship with work counterparts slowly evaporates, making the working place like a landmine , any step you take, right or wrong, might make u lose an important part of yourself, physical or otherwise..
the heart continues to ache.. the brain is heavy with thoughts, the body tires from all the unnecessary stress and unappreciated work, yet the mind still remains active and recalls all that has happened, as if purposely torturing the soul which can't have a moment of peace, what more a good night's rest
i used to console myself (And even my friends) by watching the news of all the tragedies around the globe, death of a famous F&F6 superstar, death of an inspirational figure NM, Haiyan typhoon victims, war in the ME, or local stories of accidents, rape cases, murders and abandoned babies.. shouldn't we already be blessed and thankful for what we have, a roof over our heads, food to eat, family and friends, loved ones, a decent job.. so many reasons to smile another day..
yet that smile was stolen from me.. slowly from weeks ago.. and nearly disappeared today..
thinking back, my previous work position was no easy task, however the ache was incomparable to this, maybe because the disrespect becomes too loud and obvious, false accusations too obnoxious and in-your-face.. the guilt towards the scapegoats who bare the shame and swallowed their pride slowly eats from within..
partially the victim, partially the criminal, just torn in between, want to complain but not in the position, want to whine but don't want to look weak, want to push away but have a guilt conscience, want to defend but simply cannot, want to accuse but equally at fault, want to admit fault but felt betrayed, want to be responsible but felt sabotaged, want to share the blame but noone will share it...
the more you dedicate yourself into something and doing everything you could, the more things to be succumbed to judgement, the more mistakes the more criticism, the more laws of P broken..
the problem is.. can u be punishable by the law which u r not too familiar with? or when everyone has their own version of the law of P? if either ways would break one or the other's law of P, wouldn't that be digging your own grave just by living?
seems that anything i do, someone would say "No u can't do that, its P!" yet someone else would say its has to be done.. then who's right?
let me tell u who's right, the one who speaks louder gets his or her law of P enforced..
and within a short time frame with zero experience and minimal guidance, we are expected to perform miracles and yet abide by everyone's law of P.. which contradicts which each other, fancy that!
as i count the hours awaiting my verdict, i pray for it to be as light as an airborne cottonwool seed, as swift as the speed of light, and to be sentenced in a humane way, leaving any traces of dignity behind..
and i pray that i won't commit yet another crime, cause like being in a landmine, you don't know when the next explosion will take place, and how much more damage u can absorb, second time around..
the law of P - a system of rules that explain the correct conduct and procedures to be followed in formal situations
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Friday, 15 November 2013
the first thing i ate the following morning after being back from Limbang, chicken & roast pork rice!
a new Greek-looking restaurant at CityOne, Poseidon
chicken chop.. fish and chips.. and olio spagetti.. big portions
Bak Kut Teh at Go Fun Kee
grilled salmon, spaghetti and fried chicken at Chicago 7
Sabah style fish noodles at Ang Cheng Ho
my first foc Starbucks drink!
having toast and eggs at Ipoh Town coffee, Brighton Square
Japanese dinner at Tomoe, Jalan Mendu
Thai dinner at Awet, near Boulevard at 4th mile
farewell seafood dinner for a colleague at Top Spot.. crazy amount of food
Ramadan Buffet at Riverside Majestic
devour.. and devour.. and devour... all within the 1st week back in Kuching!
..must.. control.. intake..!
Wednesday, 13 November 2013
its towards the end of July.. i have just about 3 days left in Limbang so obviously i need to eat whatever i wanna eat do, meet whoever i have to meet and then bid the little place goodbye..
went over to relatives Granny house for my big bowl of longevity chicken mee sua
foochow noodle soup for breakfast
brought my parents to Escapade Sushi, Gadong.. probably my last time here in a long long time
and fresh sashimi! and satisfied parents!
strolling at the mall.. been here many times but decided that this time i have to take a photo..
massive home cooked dinner with my parents and relatives
dim sum at Union Restaurant.. always remember the thumb-sized siu mai
then its packing time..always hate this part.. what more Unpacking later..
take a break from that at King Cafe for its famous coffee and toast
and my favourite rojak at Snow Flake
dinner at Tong Lok
with the gal frens i will leave behind..
breakfast kampua mee at Daily Cafe with a Limbang friend and his future wife.. he helped me alot especially when i first arrived and during the accident.. thanks!
a picture of my modest room with attached bathroom and its own main door!
my office staff
and my clinic staff
punching out on my last day and bought some kuih kosoi (its a long story but basically my ex boss been asking me to buy this kuih from Limbang, and if i don't buy it now i might never get that chance again!)
even took picture with airport crew who knew me and helped me alot.. thanks!
and so long to Limbang town...
it was definitely a very emotional last day for me.. knowing i will leave this town after serving nearly 2 years here and even if i return it won't be the same again.. many colleagues questioned why i accept my new role as Assistant Director in HQ aka. JKNS aka. doing purely admin work, when i always complained about admin work and wanna be a clinical dentist again..
that's true. but admin has its advantages too.. although doing purely admin is no fun, perhaps purely clinical might feel boring too.. and i did request for clinical attachment, but that might be 2014? 2015? who knows when the space opens up for me..
after my experience here as the Head, going through the ups and downs, i want that burden of You-are-Responsible-And-Accountable off my shoulders, i dowan to spend anymore sleepless nights wondering if i made the right call, i dowan to face pressures of pleasing staff and all that immature shenanigans, i dowan to study pekelilings, i dowan to have to be very disciplined to be a role model as everyone just watch and wait for me to make a wrong move .. now as a nobody in a big 400over-staff-HQ, i am just another person menurut perintah and arahan..
friends i made, yes, travelling alot, yes, been to Brunei Miri countless times, definitely.. that's one plus point which i will miss.. freedom to do whatever i want to.
but the freedom to take holiday, the financial cost of taking multiple flights, the number of time and days taken..its kinda hard.. and the strain on my LDR, being a stressed boss in the middle of no where, cause my LDR to break in the middle of all that frust..and succumb to other temptations that were just too comforting.. is this your fault, Limbang? or am i just not strong enough?
and of course.. the chance to go back home.. grab that chance first, perhaps decide later what's the next course of action..
I believe God has a reason for all these (as i did not ask for this) for me to go home and work in JKNS..
i told my staff in my speech that i never regretted coming to Limbang (i volunteered) and if i were to do it all over again, i will still choose to be DDO Limbang.. (which is all true)
but if i don't take this chance to leave, i am afraid i might regret it..
Monday, 11 November 2013
had a dinner with all my other 4 dental officers at Purnama Hotel, a final gathering of us all together
the buka puasa dinner here is rm12! what a bargain, Kuching ppl will laugh knowing that!
Farewell dinner in Limbang and some gifts for me :)
photo with my clinic staff
photo with most of my staff
and the day all Heads will be looking forward to.. the Handover.. officially no longer in charge of Limbang.. gave a very emotional farewell speech too.. (staff said i tipu their tears)
served 1 year and 10 months for Dental Limbang, with 1.25 years as the Head.. you all there might forget me, but i will not forget you all for sure...
Saturday, 9 November 2013
in the last couple of weeks in Limbang my frens here brought me to the Gorgeous Golden hotel in Brunei, the Empire Hotel & Country Club
for Afternoon Tea! facing getting a 3-tier afternoon tea set hours from Limbang.. you can't even get this in Kuching!
cakes, sandwiches and scones (13).. its covered in cloth to stay warm.. however this scone seem rather plain, a little too pretty and smooth
random shots of myself, my friend and our afternoon tea set
girls day out with tea, British-style!
after that we explore the grand hotel!
random shots around the place even with dolphins
watching the sunset near the coast
checked out a bakery with yummy cakes and bigger scones, that looks more like it
had dinner at Li Gong Chinese Restaurant
buffet style.. so we can order as many dishes as we want provided we finished what we ordered.. 7 dishes for 4 girls is too much! whats more its after 8pm and we need to be home before 10pm cause border closes.. not to mention it takes a couple hours to get back! gosh.. crazy drive up ahead..
definitely had a great day out with the girls though! will miss them too!